Search
Close this search box.

How to Rebuild Trust in a Relationship: 20 Tips from Therapists

Can trust in a relationship be rebuilt after a betrayal? Yes, it’s possible; however, rebuilding trust comes down to making the decision to remain in the relationship, having the discipline to do the work, believing that trust can be re-developed, and being vulnerable and open to change.

If you’re ready to make a positive change if your life, click here to find a therapist. Connect with a supportive, experienced therapist who is committed to your wellbeing on our therapist directory.
 

How Can Trust Be Broken In a Relationship?

Most people view trust as the key factor in a healthy relationship. It’s required to be vulnerable, build connections, and maintain a sense of safety. Healthy relationships are built on integrity, or doing what you say you will do. When this is not honored, the safety, confidence, and support of a secure relationship is destroyed, at least temporarily.

Trust in a relationship can be broken by the following:

  • Not following through on a promise
  • Not taking responsibility for inexcusable behavior
  • Withholding love and/or affection
  • Lack of physical or emotional intimacy
  • Addictive behaviors (i.e., drugs, alcohol, pornography, gambling)1
  • Infidelity (both a sexual and nonsexual affair)
  • Being directly criticized or your partner speaking harshly about you behind your back
  • Hitting an emotional “raw spot”

How to Know When Rebuilding Is Possible

There are some signs to look for that tell you whether it might be possible to rebuild trust after it’s been lost. For example, both parties must be willing to work on the relationship and the primary goal should be to rebuild a sense of safety.

Rebuilding trust in a relationship is possible, but only if:

  • The injured person is given time to make an informed decision about how to rebuild trust and proceed in the relationship
  • They make a conscious decision to forgive
  • They’re able to work the emotional muscle to not get into a destructive process of interrogation and defensiveness
  • Simple questions about the betrayal are answered so a more destructive image isn’t created and the pressure to know more is relieved
  • Both parties want to work on the relationship.
  • The primary goal is to rebuild safety in the relationship.
  • One partner shares all unavoidable encounters with an affair partner.

20 Ways to Rebuild Trust In a Relationship

The good news is that even after a devastating betrayal like cheating, trust can be rebuilt.5 Not only that, betrayal is often the catalyst for reviving a relationship that was in serious trouble long before the betrayal occurred. Healing is a journey, but when two people are deeply committed to understanding, making amends, and recommitting, magic can happen.

Here are twenty ways to rebuild trust in a relationship:

1. Make a Commitment

Both partners need to commit 100% to doing the work involved in healing after a betrayal. It is a long-term investment, depending on the type of betrayal, but feeling the relationship is worth fighting for is the commitment both partners need to make.

2. Both Partners Take Responsibility

Commitment from the betrayer means proving to your partner that you are truly sorry and willing to work on earning back trust, no matter what it takes. Commitment from the betrayed involves active listening to the betrayer as well as exploring any of their own behaviors that may have contributed to distress in the relationship prior to the betrayal.

3. Refine Your Communication Style

Asking your partner open-ended questions is a great way to increase emotional closeness and rebuild trust. It fosters intimate dialogue since these questions can’t be answered with a simple “Yes” or “No.” How you choose to communicate grievances is what matters. Learning how to self-soothe can allow both the speaker and the listener to withstand the tension to process the betrayal.

4. Accept Repair Attempts

Rebuilding trust largely comes down to deciding whether you want revenge or a relationship. After a sincere apology is issued, international marriage researcher, Therapist Laura Vera, says that when betrayed partners don’t accept these repair attempts, there is an increased risk of divorce.

5. Set a Time to Talk About the Betrayal

It’s important to set a daily time (15-20 minutes) to talk about the betrayal; otherwise, it may be a 24/7 discussion. This allows each partner to prepare for a productive discussion as well as gain control of any emotions that may arise unexpectedly. Evaluate progress weekly to know when to decrease the frequency of the meetings.

6. Set Time for a Non-Negotiable Weekly Marriage Meeting

A weekly marriage meeting is a great ritual to strengthen a partnership. This is a dedicated time to be honest and communicate about key issues in the relationship. Good topics to discuss include appreciation, things that did/did not go well over the course of the week (in a non-critical and non-defensive way), chores, finances, external commitments, date nights, etc.

7. Redefine New Marriage Rules

Having self-imposed rules can help the betrayed partner to feel a sense of control while rebuilding trust. Self-imposed rules are freeing since they are non-negotiable and developed together. These can involve setting boundaries and daily check-ins to limit problems from escalating.

8. Create a Culture of Appreciation

Couples who find ways to express appreciation for each other often have a greater chance at repairing broken trust. This is about sharing a “we-ness” or togetherness vs. a separateness.

9. Glorify the Struggle

Glorifying the struggle means expressing pride that you’ve survived major hardships in your relationship. Actively talking about your commitment to one another vs. questioning whether you made the right choice is instrumental in rebuilding trust.

10. Stop All Contact With the Affair Partner

If there is still contact with the affair partner, recovery will be greatly delayed. This means ending all physical, emotional, and verbal intimacy. If the affair partner is a co-worker, the contact must be strictly business.

11. Share Any Necessary or Unplanned Encounters With the Affair Partner

This means there is an environment of full transparency if unavoidable contact with the affair partner has to be made. This comes along with a willingness to openly answer any questions your partner may have.

12. Don’t Gossip About or Trash Talk Your Partner to Others

Gossiping and trash talking create an added layer of stress, especially when the goal is to work on your relationship. It can be tempting to vent or want to vent, but it boils down to knowing that what you focus on expands, so choose who you talk to and how you talk about your partner wisely.

13. Tell the True Story of the Betrayal

Telling the story of the affair isn’t easy for either partner, but it will give you and your partner an opportunity to understand what happened and why. It’s important that the injured partner doesn’t engage in a destructive process of interrogation and defensiveness, which never promotes healing, even if the answers are truthful. Instead, begin with addressing the simple facts.7

14. Create an Environment of Proactive Transparency

Our emotions can get in the way of telling the truth and hearing the truth. Transparency keeps everything out in the open to facilitate trust. Proactive transparency involves making the additional effort to highlight important things about the betrayal without waiting to be probed or asked. This builds trust and displays a readiness to be held accountable.

15. Understand the Power of Vulnerability

In being vulnerable, you can create a level of emotional safety with your partner. It’s the primary way to strengthen a marital bond and keep love alive. It’s how you’ll be able to re-establish a secure emotional attachment and preserve intimacy in your marriage. This goes hand-in-hand with proactive transparency.

16. Evaluate Your Questions

In order to ask constructive questions, the betrayed partner needs to pause and consider. According to infidelity expert, Laura Vera, good questions involve considering how your question will help to understand what happened and why it happened. The goal is to ask thoughtful questions that prompt constructive responses.

Potential questions to ask yourself before asking your partner:

  • Is the answer something I really need to know?
  • Is the answer something that will help in my recovery?
  • Is this question something that won’t be helpful?
  • Will it fuel intrusive thoughts and triggers?

17. Evaluate Your Answers

The betrayer needs to answer any questions truthfully, but also with the lowest level of detail possible. The goal is to avoid any disturbing images the betrayed may have to deal with later on. Cheating has been associated with symptoms similar to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), so too many graphic details may put a burden on the healing process.

18. Take Time to Forgive

It takes time to truly understand why a betrayal took place, so cutting the healing process short will not allow for effective recovery to take place. In other words, avoidance is never a strategy for healing, nor is forgiving too soon. Building a secure attachment to your partner means taking as much time as possible to fully process and work on better coping strategies to rebuild the relationship.

19. Seek Professional Help

Often, a couple is so overwhelmed that they don’t know where to begin. This is where a couples counselor can be instrumental. They can guide both the betrayed and the betrayer to ask and answer questions in a way that facilitates recovery. They can guide couples with structure and a plan of action to slow down the process of healing to a constructive pace.

20. Plan, Plan, Plan

Work together to develop a plan to prevent further breaches of trust. Be open to identifying areas that may have created mistrust (withholding financial information, not sharing information in your daily living, spending too much time outside of the relationship, etc). Plan to increase friendship, create rituals of connection, and build a new relationship together.

Book an appointment

why would you like to wait to fix your relationship when now you are here
Facebook
Twitter
Pinterest
LinkedIn
Picture of Laura Vera

Laura Vera

Master in Sexology from Institute of Sexology in Granada, Spain. I like to learn everything related with sex and erotism. The best way to learn about a topic is to try to explain it.
Laura is Sex & Relationship Therapist and

TIPS

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Related Posts

Kegel Exercises

Kegel exercises strengthen your pelvic floor muscles and can support your bladder and bowel function. Kegel exercises are simple clench-and-release exercises that you can do

This website uses cookies to ensure you get the best experience on our website.