The great taboo. The nightmare that haunts many, many men. Is it really that bad?

The first thing to resolve when considering a case of erectile dysfunction is whether the cause is physical or psychological. 

If it is physical, it is a medical issue and should be treated with medication or interventions as decided by the doctors responsible for the case. 

If it is psychological, it should be treated with psychotherapy to ensure that the patient can enjoy their sexuality again without worries. 

And how do you know?

Sometimes yes, and sometimes no?
First of all, it’s usually pretty straightforward to differentiate. To begin with, if you have difficulties with your erections, but only on some occasions while not on others, it is a great symptom that it may be for purely psychological reasons. Otherwise, if the dysfunction remains constant and there are no occasions when you have an erection, it is best to go to a doctor. 

Are you worried about it happening?
If you’re so worried about it happening that you feel like you can’t stop thinking about it even during sex, but then when you’re alone or you don’t feel that much pressure you don’t have a problem. It’s another clear symptom of psychological reasons for the dysfunction. 

Does it happen to you only with new people?
Many people experience erectile dysfunction only with people they don’t trust or feel safe with. Whereas when they are in formal relationships that last a little longer, they end up having normal sexuality. If this is your case, it is very likely that your dysfunction is due to psychological causes. 

Traumatic experience?
Have you ever had an experience where you felt ridiculed for this? It’s tremendously common, but not everyone understands it and, unfortunately, not everyone is understanding and kind either. If you’ve experienced poor responses from your sexual partners, it’s possible that this has aggravated your symptoms. 

Let me tell you something. All men have erectile dysfunction at some point in their lives.

Erections are not always the same, nor do they need to. 

Humans are not machines, and expecting everything to work exactly the same every day is an unrealistic expectation. Just like some days you have more energy than others, just like some of you have a headache and others you feel fresh as a rose, the body has its answers and these vary every day. It’s normal, natural, and healthy.

But also, you must know something else. The human body cannot activate an erection if there is stress in the body. If you’re nervous or worried, the erection-triggering system will never send the signal. 

Think about it for a moment because it makes a lot of sense. The brain has worked in much the same way for thousands of years. So long ago there were quite a few reasons to feel stress, and they were all very serious. A lion, for example, is the clearest example. 

The truth is that if you see a lion you will feel fear, stress and worry. And it’s just as true that in that situation you don’t need an erection at all. In fact, if you think about it, it can be the most annoying thing at the time.

You need to run and climb a tree, you don’t want an erection. 

Therefore, the body does not combine fear and discomfort with a sexual response. Because it doesn’t make sense in terms of survival.

So, in order to resume your erections normally, you must first learn to manage that fear, worry and stress that sex generates right now. 

Why is it important to rely on a professional?
A psychologist knows how stress, fear, worry, and erectile dysfunction work. What activates it, when it’s adaptive and when it’s not, and knows how to help its patients manage it in the right way. They know how to provide solid and reinforcing support to the patient so that they feel able to move forward, manage it and process what may be behind it. It is able to accompany you on the path of changing the way you manage life, your emotions and your pain to help you regain control and calm in your life. 

I don’t know why, but when it comes to a broken engine, no one doubts having a mechanic. It’s almost inevitable. In American movies, the father of a family who wants to be a plumber to save a few dollars is always ridiculed and in the end ends up with water up to his ears. 

The answer is simple: We are not born knowing how to manage our fears. We must learn and yet each new person is different and brings us new challenges for which we have no answers. And it’s normal to need a professional to help us understand each other.

The problem is that all our lives we are invited to self-manage. To know how to control ourselves and keep ourselves stable. But if you notice, we haven’t been taught to do that at any point!

In my head it sounds as absurd as if someone expected me to know how to fix my car without touching a mechanics book… I don’t even try, and if I tried I would get frustrated and waste a lot of time in vain before calling a professional. It may even have broken my engine even more. 

Your engine is the mind that comes without instructions from birth. It’s totally normal to have someone who already knows how it works and can make things much easier and more enjoyable for you.